DAY 4

Day 4
Albuquerque, NM ---->Sedona, Az

7:00am
Woken up by Scott, my cousin, packing and getting ready to leave for the airport.. who will we torture now?

7:10am
Continental breakfast.. We spot an Indian on crack getting up every 5 seconds for more food. "Um there is now orange juice all over the floor." Who are these people.

7:30 am
Scott leaves for the airport.. bye bye Andy Dick! Yes, more room in the car!

8:00 am
Back to the room to get ready for breakfast #2 with Steph's Aunt Virginia. Steph's convo with her dad on the phone: "I don't even know what she looks like." "Just hold up a sign with her name on it"

9:00am
Aunt Virginia is nice. She tells us all about her job at Wal Mart, her 15 pets, and the fact that she doesn't use computers ever. We're feeling lucky already today: It's Pie Rush Wednesday at the diner! Free pie with every meal after 10am. If I had a nickel for every time I said "You can't make this shit up..."

11:00am
Depart this hell hole of a hotel and get on the road to Sedona, Az. Albuquerque sure is a joke town. 6 more hours in the car? And I have to sit in the front? ughhh

12:30pm
Gallup, NM
Stop at the McDonalds to pee and get snack sized McFlurrys. Why can't you drink out of the McFlurry spoons? I don't get it. A bum asks me for money. Sorry I just spent it on a McFlurry. In the parking lot a kid is staring at me through his binocular shaped hands. Of course I put my hands up and make binoculars.. Steph does the same.

2:00pm
Winslow, Az
Pee at a truck stop. They sell cut off denim shirts turned into vests? Larry the Cable Guy heaven. "You girls sure are purrrrty." Sorry, truckers aren't my type. HOW DID THE BINOCULAR KID GET HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable. I'm waiting for the Amish to jump out.

2:30pm
The guys in NM told us that Sedona was a mecca of mysticism. Steph googles Sedona... vortices? psychics? sage? deja vu? forces? Where are we going?

4:00pm
Sedona, Az
Cute hotel right in the middle of Sedona. The red rocks are amazingly beautiful. We get a map of the best vortices in Sedona. Screw star maps, we have a vortex map.



4:30pm
Back to the candle shop in Sedona. We buy some amazing candles! This place is one of a kind! what? they have one in San Diego? of course.

5:30pm
Mexican food sounds good so we head to Oaxaca. Looks legit. We order margaritas and baked chips (we're healthy remember?)

5:40pm
How did we get chewy stale chips? Waitress: "They're supposed to taste like that." Send those back and get the fried ones.

6:00pm
The empty tables around us fill up. Please dont tell me that bug eyed lady is going to let her 3 kids cry and scream for the next hour. OOMMGGG!!! I find shredded beef in my salad, hidden under some lettuce. Being a vegetarian is hard. Looks like we'll have to send back item #2. Everyone around us is doing the same. My only thought: Who will get food poisoning first?

6:15pm
Still giving evil eyes to the family of neglected screaming children. Unreal.

6:20pm
We miss Scott so we decide to text him to see what other celebrities he hasn't heard of..
Spencer Pratt? No
Kim Kardashian? kinda

6:30pm
Shop around a little. We go to a crystal shop to pick up a crystal- I mean, it's clear they have magical powers and we have to get some. As soon as I pick one up.. "The crystal has chosen you!" Well, looks like I have to buy it now. The crazy crystal lady tells us all about how to wash and care for our new crystal. I'm sorry, did I just adopt a child? "I wish we would've video taped your crystal information for our blog!" lady: "Well I have my own agenda so I wouldn't have allowed that." She must be hiding from the po-po.



6:32pm
Walk out of crystal shop and come face to face with crying baby family. Great, second de-ja vu of the day. The mecca of mysticism strikes again.

6:40pm
We enter the vortex shop and decide to get psychic readings. Steph asks about her career future (fingers crossed for no more golden spoon swirling!) and I ask about my love life. The psychic keeps closing her eyes and pausing. Mini strokes? Wake up lady I'm paying big bucks for this! The first love card I draw from the deck is a joker. God laughs. Flip one card. Close eyes. Flip another card. "WOW there is so much going on here!" Really? Because I just see that you're losing at solitaire.

7:20pm
Buy some rocks.. They each have a different made-up meaning. I get the love ones and steph gets the pregnancy ones. Don't ask. As I pay, another crystal crazy tells me that my eyes are unbelievably beautiful. According to her I shouldn't settle for any man who isn't rich or good-looking. I knew I was on the right path!




7:30 pm
Head back to the hotel. Steph runs up to the balcony to see the sun set- apparently this is the best time to feel the vortex. I'm parched so I head to the vending machine to get some water. $1.25 for a water? "Take my crinkled dollar, stupid machine!!!" grrr Push the button anyway and 2 water bottles come out. Two waters for $1.00??? VORTEX!!!!!





8:00pm
Jacuzzi. We take our crystals.

9:00pm
Get ready to go out.. What exactly is the attire for a vortex bar? Should I wear my crystal around my neck?

9:15pm
Walk to a martini bar.. it's dark "Where are we??" "Don't worry I have a flashlight app on my phone!' Follow the music to the bar. Order drinks and wander around until we find a seat. Picture this: about 50 hippies, nude colored flapper dresses, tie-dye galore, someone juggling?, dancing that includes jumping up and down, some sort of hula, and knee slapping?, and of course the floor length dresses with slits up to the boobs. I mean I know we're drinking, but I'm NOT drunk enough for this. A little girl appears on the stage.. with a hula hoop? She is literally drinking a coke while hula hooping. Me: "That poor girl should be at home sleeping!" Steph: "I mean how can you sleep when your parents are on shrooms."



9:30pm
Bartender, noticing our astonished looks: "Yes, this is really happening"

10:00pm
Steph takes out her crystals from her clutch and puts them all around her martini glass. Even their power can't bring us guys our own age.

10:30PM
New name for Sedona, Az: Meth Mountain.

10:45pm
Begin walk back to the hotel. Creepy guy: "Hey where you girls staying? Wanna ride?" Me to Steph: "RUNNNNNNNNN!" The crazies sure do follow us everywhere.

11:00pm
The vending machine gets boring so we go to the front desk to ask about ordering food. "Everything in Sedona closes at 9:00. When you come here you have to plan ahead for food." Steph: "How do you plan ahead for drunk hunger?"

11:15pm
Open the door to find my mom sleeping with one eye open and the lights on. We're drunk, hungry, and now peeing our pants from laughter. What a night!

11:30pm
Watch the finale of The Hills in bed while eating donuts. We don't get why people are amazed by the finale? I mean, they didn't even include Spencer and his crystal meth.. err I mean crystals.

11:55pm
sleep :)

Peace & Love (from the mecca of mysticism),

Francine